Portland, Oregon – Three year old Dakota Danson excitedly points at toys and candy every time she goes to Walmart with her mommy. But her enthusiasm quickly fades and turns to tears if she doesn’t get to have what she wants.
Her mommy, Renee Gerke, was relieved this past Thursday to discover Dakota’s bouts of excited pointing followed by crying was simply Bipolar Disorder that could easily be fixed with Zyprexa, a powerful antipsychotic drug available at the Walmart pharmacy.
Renee was one of the first visitors to the Psychs of Walmart walk-in clinics recently rolled out in cooperation with the American Psychiatric Association and several major pharmaceutical companies.
The psychiatrist she visited assured her that Zyprexa has shut more screaming kids up than she could possibly imagine and if that didn’t fix things he could “top it off” with an antidepressant that would.
“I know how annoying it can be to have a child crying when you’re trying to shop,” said Dr. Ron Weener. ” Slapping only makes them scream louder whereas antipsychotics get them to a point where they don’t even notice toys are present. Getting them started at Dakota’s age turn them into good Walmart shoppers for the rest of their lives.”
More and more stores have started trial runs with in-store medical clinics, but Walmart is the first to roll out the mental health Psychs of Walmart clinics.
The concept was conceived at this years American Psychiatric Association convention in Hawaii during a breakaway “Guess The Disorder” session where psychiatrists were treated to People of Walmart photos and asked to provide impromptu diagnoses of their disorders. One of the session’s attendees said “we all got shit-faced on MaiTais and started laughing so hard at the Walmart people that half of us peed our pants.”
“Hey Jerry, look! That guy in the red thong and blond wig looks just like you!”
“Max, is that you in the purple tights and platform shoes?” HAAAAAA, oh my god I think I just pisssshhhhed myself.”
“What a perfect opportunity for us to make a shitload of cash. Just imagine, a walk in psych clinic in every Walmart across America! It’s too friggin’ perfect.” The goddamned pharmacy is less than 20 feet away. How good does it get?”
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