Good Afternoon Psychiatrists – This is Your Captain Speaking

Good afternoon, psychiatrists! This is your captain speaking.

On behalf of the flight crew, let me welcome you aboard Delta’s VIP psych shuttle service to Washington, DC with continuing service to Arlington, Virginia where you’ll be attending your 25th annual “Praise Prozac” revival and pharmaceutical convention sponsored by the Eli Lilly corporation.

The time is 1:25 pm and we are expecting to touch down in DC at 3:27 pm. If the weather cooperates, and my medication kicks in, we should have a depression-free ride. I’ve just taken my second Prozac of the day, one of the four FAA allowed antidepressants, and I’m feeling just fine.

My co-pilot, Captain Dan, just took one each of Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro and Celexa.  He is taking all four because he’s an adult and after taking Prozac for six weeks he was still feeling depressed so he asked his doctor if adding Zoloft, Lexapro and Celexa was right for him.

You may recall that on April 5, 2010 the FAA considered allowing pilots to take Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa or Lexapro while flying, provided they had been stable on the medication for at least 12 months.  Isn’t that great?  Thanks for pushing this through for us!

We appreciate you convincing the FAA that these drugs can be used safely to treat cases of mild-to-moderate depression and that the public “should” feel safe with this program as long as we see one of you guys every six months.

Now that we can take the “Big 4,” we can add a second black box to air travel.  The one that records flight information and the one that warns of possible suicide on our antidepressants. Ha ha! Click here for the full FAA Antidepressant story.

I’d like to mention that if you’re not wearing some kind of adult incontinence garment you might want to ask the flight attendant for one. This is for your own comfort in the event Captain Dan has one of the Prozac “moments,” he’s inclined to have when we hit our 11,000 foot cruising altitude. We apologize in advance for these little outbursts.  So far his gun hasn’t been loaded.

Should Captain Dan go totally off the deep end and you notice the plane plummeting toward earth, stay calm and listen for instructions from the cabin crew. Please do not break into the flight deck or attempt to restrain him.  Restraints of any kind make him even more agitated than he already is.

In a few moments, the flight attendants will be passing around the cabin to offer you a light snack, some stiff alcoholic beverages, living will kits and extra barf bags in case Captain Dan’s crazy, drug-induced antics make you upchuck.

Once again we’d like to thank you for your efforts in getting us cleared for antidepressants.  Now, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.  Thank you for choosing Delta Airlines.

Oops! Flight attendants, it seems we have a screamer on board.  Please insert the rubber mouthpiece and roll out the inflight shock therapy machine for our unhappy passenger.

NOTE TO SELF: Request disclosure of pilot antidepressant use before boarding a plane.  If disclosure is refused, contact an attorney who is capable of starting a shit storm the likes of which the FAA has never seen.

Prozac photo courtesy of Tom Varco

DISCLAIMER: This blog is fictional parody written by a real estate nut who makes things up and writes them down. Don't believe a word she says.