Psychiatrists Conclude Pavlov’s Old, Dead Dog Unable To Learn New Tricks

New York, NY – Pavlov’s dog is old and dead.

It is also depressed, unable to learn new tricks and possibly Bi-polar according to a study conducted by a team of  researchers at Columbia University’s Department of Psychiatry.

The study is one of the first studies of its kind.

The research was conducted in collaboration with the Pavlov Museum in Ryazan, Russia where the dead dog’s stuffed body is normally housed.  Funding for the research and dog’s transportation was made possible by a grant from Pfizer, makers of GEODON a popular (and very profitable!) bi-polar medication.

The investigators attempted to serve the dog several cuts of expensive, dry-aged beef (both grass-fed and corn fed) in an attempt to get it to perform new tricks, but were unsuccessful.  The dog remained listless and failed to roll over, shake hands, go pee or give  kisses. It simply looked at the researchers with vacant, glassy eyes.  It even failed to salivate.

The researchers say more money and more study is needed because their results, when adjusted for various stimuli and associative factors such as the type of beef offered, socioeconomic status and alcohol use makes it difficult to draw definitive conclusions.

According to Dr. Abramov Sphyncter, “The dog not only failed in its performance of new tricks, it failed in tricks previously (when alive) able to perform such as salivating into a drool cup. Disappointing, but not necessarily conclusive.”

With permission from the Pavlov Institute we would like to open the dogs head and examine its mummified brain.  This will tell us if the dog is unable to learn new tricks because it’s Bi-polar. Obviously a great deal more research and Pfizer funding is needed.”

 

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