“Class, today we’re going to play a game called Psych(lie)atry.
“It’s where you make up something you think is wrong with someone (lie), pretend like it’s a mental illness (lie), make up a BIG name for it (lie), put it in a big book called Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, then make lots and lots of money by prescribing dangerous and addictive drugs for it.”
“And when your patients commit suicide or kill their classmates in unthinkably horrific school shootings, you can pretend like it was their mental illness and not the drugs that made them do it!’ Won’t that be fun?”
“And best of all, the big drug makers will be your new best friends and give you lots of money, trips and prizes for prescribing their dangerous drugs so they can make big billions and billions of dollars, drive big fancy cars and live in mansions!”
“Have any of you seen the lady on TV who feels sad and needs to be wound up every day like a toy? With wrong, mitten-like hands? She has a made up mental disorder called BIPOLAR and takes a drug called PRISTIQ.”
“Let’s make up some of our own mental disorders, shall we?”
“Billy, how about you? Can you think of something that might be wrong with Susie?”
“Yeah. She always wears the color blue. She never wears red or yellow.”
“Very good, Billy. Now, can you think of a name we could call Susie’s color disorder?”
“Um…I only like the color blue?”
“Excellent! Let’s abbreviate our new mental illness and call it IOLTCB Syndrome. Shall we?”
“And Billy, can you think of a nice drug name for IOLTCB Syndrome?”
“How about Colorfy?”
“Very good, Billy!”
“Teacher?”
“Yes, Jessica?”
“When I go to bed at night I worry about monsters under my bed. Could we make up a mental disorder for that?”
“Yes, Jessica. That’s an excellent idea. What would you like to call it?”
“How about Under the Bed Monster Disorder or UBMD?”
“And did you think of a drug we could make up for it?”
“I like MONSTRA!”
“Wonderful, how very clever!”
“Johnny, you had your hand up?”
“Yeah! I don’t always wipe my feet. Maybe we could have a mental illness called IDAWMF Disorder. And my drug could be WIPELA!”
“That’s brilliant, Johnny!”
“Pick me, pick me!!!”
“Go ahead, David.”
“I get scared in the dark and need a drug called DARKIFY!”
“Very good, David!”
“Miss Jones? My dog barks at everything. I bet that means he has Obsessive Barking Disorder, right?”
“Good one, Thomas. And what kind of drug could we give him?”
“How about BARKAZINE!”
“That is perfect!”
“Wasn’t that a fun game to play,class?” “Would anyone like to be a Psych(lie)atrist when they grow up?”
“No one?”
“We don’t want to be stinky psych liars, Miss Jones!”
“Good for you, boys and girls! Class dismissed!”
DISCLAIMER: This blog is fictional parody written by a real estate nut who makes things up and writes them down. Don't believe a word she says. 
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s Spring break, my son is home (remember James?) he remembers you and would love to see you. Any way, he loved this one and so did I!!!
Thanks, Gwen. Remember James? Are you kidding? How could anyone forget a kid that smart, fun, handsome and talented? I would love to see him, too. I miss you James!!!!
Bravo! One of the best yet, really nails the psych liars. How could thought be a chemical? How can a chemical “treat” for the better awareness, ethics, understanding? The entire chemical addiction model is bogus. Great hitting, Laraine.
Thank you! It’s such a fun job to nail these worms.
Like PT Barnum reportedly said “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
Mark – let’s just hope the same isn’t true for psychiatrists!
Those children sure got good at the game, the name of those meds sounds just about right!
Karina – Yes, very clever kids indeed!