Washington, DC – A new study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry concludes that children who like ice cream are ten times more likely to develop bipolar I disorder (or ADHD) and need medication than children who prefer going for a pony ride instead.
Entitled TIC (Team Ice Cream) and generously sponsored by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, the study compared the efficacy of experimental i-screemozene (ice cream receptor inhibitor) with that of Lithium in children not yet diagnosed with DSM-IV bipolar I disorder (manic or mixed phase) but who like to eat ice cream frequently (daily if permitted).
Researchers, led by Dorf Dingwiggle, MD of Columbia University’s psychiatric department, compared 250 children (ages 2 to 5) who like ice cream with 165 children who prefer going for a pony ride instead over an 8 week period. In the second group, children who occasionally eat ice cream at birthday parties or at Dairy Queen were excluded and sent home with free drug samples.
The ice cream affinity group (Group I) was treated with i-screemozene while Group II received Lithium. The patients were started on low doses of the drugs, with doses increased on a weekly basis if the child had minimal-to-no response, and no dose-limiting adverse effects.
The study found that, prior to drugging, the children who like ice cream had significantly more manic symptoms than the other children and were therefore deemed “at risk” of becoming Bipolar and candidates for a life-long course of medication. When the “at risk” ice cream eaters were asked to choose a flavor from 86 available choices, nearly 97% took too long to choose and when told they could only choose one, 85% became sad, cried or kicked the researchers in the shins.
According to Dingwingle, “It became immediately obvious to us that before taking i-screemozene, the children who liked ice cream weren’t capable of making rapid decisions and were clearly in the pre-bipolar phase of mental illness. In fact, more than half of the study group wanted two or more flavors in spite of being advised they could only choose one. But once on i-screemozene, the children didn’t really care if they had ice cream or not and accepted whatever flavor the researchers placed before them, conclusive proof that they are ten times more likely to develop bipolar.”
Moving forward, Pfizer’s plans for i-screemozene include collaboration with elementary school cafeteria workers in an effort to screen for early ice cream tendencies.DISCLAIMER: This blog is fictional parody written by a real estate nut who makes things up and writes them down. Don't believe a word she says.