Miss Pristiq Before "strip show"
LAS VEGAS, Nev — America’s newest Miss PRISTIQ is a severely depressed brunette from Ohio who had long conversations with herself about whether or not to make her wrong, mitten-like hands the heart of her campaign in the beauty pageant.
While her competitors pushed platforms such as how to live with depression and wondering aloud if CELEBREX was right for them, Barbara Flatshoe said she wants children of wrong-handed PRISTIQ women to feel less alone and to have as much of a relationship with their depressed, wind-up mothers as possible.
“There are many of you wind-up PRISTIQ women out there with wrong, mitten-like hands, and I am one of them, but it doesn’t have to define who you are,” Flatshoe told The Associated Press after winning the crown and $50,000 worth of antidepressants on Saturday night.
To win she walked on stage wearing prosthetic hands, looked at herself in a floor length mirror, shuffled around stage in flat, slip on shoes, wound herself up and then stripped off her prosthetic hands to expose her own mitten-like hands while humming the PRISTIQ theme song.
Her looks, slumped over demeanor and willingness to stop hiding her mitten hands under perfectly manicured prosthetics impressed a panel of seven celebrity judges enough to give her the next year with the title.
“What happened when the Pfizer ad men drew my hands is not what my year is going to be focused on,” she said. “It’s going to be focused on learning where to buy laundry soap and how to handle an egg without dropping it because not letting my depression and clunky mitten hands get the best of me is what I’m all about.”
An egg or a frozen waffle would be nice
Flatshoe’s son, Preston Pristiq (born out of wedlock), told the AP he’s glad his mother has finally been given the recognition she deserves and hopes it might improve her depression enough for her to cook him a meal once in a while or maybe do some laundry. “Even if it was just an egg or frozen waffle at breakfast, it would be better than nothing.” Preston said.
Flatshoe says she intends to use the antidepressant money to increase her dosage of PRISTIQ and possibly add ABILIFY if her doctor feels it is right for her.
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DISCLAIMER: This blog is fictional parody written by a real estate nut who makes things up and writes them down. Don't believe a word she says. 
